A Guide to Online Dating
Face it, we’ve all either tried it or use online dating. Most of us have legitimate reasons for using online dating. Here are the primary reasons why people MUST use online dating. Those considerations are work hours, lifestyle, or living in rural places. There is a legitimately long list of good reasons.
Filtering out the minutiae who make the experience frustrating is a learned skill in online dating. Yes, there those we want to avoid:
- They’re too poor to get out and do anything that puts them around legitimate suitors
- They’re not very attractive, either by age or weight
- They’re a throw-back
- Divorced or out of a long term relationship
- They have something to hide
- Online dating lets them feature only the positives until you meet them
In the modern dating app game, you pay a fee to filter them out.
Let’s dive deep into things you see in a profile and interpret what’s being said in an effort to save you frustration later.
If you are at it for more than two months. A break is advised. Those that stick it out are either too picky or no one else wants them. There’s a reason. Does this mean everyone that dates online is a loser? Of course not. The good ones come on for a short time, meet someone and get off.
Your mental model should be this. In life, so many people “settle”. While you can compromise in a relationship and we all should compromise, most of us settle for far short than who we should be with.
Why else would divorce be sky high in the U.S.? If you are looking at a profile and see warning signs or red flags yet still think, “But he’s hot,” or “She’s pretty”, then you are walking into danger. Keep your wits about you and see things for what they are.
Dating someone outside your circle is great, meeting someone new and different is fantastic, but beginning any relationship with someone that clearly doesn’t share the same values or meet your own needs is a recipe for failure. Some even end up with stalkers or crazies.
Sometimes it’s the little things in a profile that enable you to know, “I better not waste my time.” Then other times you can see things that just tell you where a person is at mentally. They may mean the person is broken or they may mean the person is just venting. Here are a couple of examples of people that are venting:
Dating Profiles Interpreted
PROFILE READS: Liars need not apply
MEANING: “I’m taking a shot at someone I recently dated.”
This person may be ready to date, but they’ve got an ax to grind. Be careful.
PROFILE READS: Looking for a real man (may also read ‘generous’ man)
MEANING: “I want someone with money to take care of me.”
PROFILE READS: Looking for a real woman
MEANING: “I want a submissive woman.”
PROFILE READS: Looking for a nice (or honest) guy
MEANING: “I was in an abusive relationship” Or they were cheated on. May not be ready to date.
PROFILE READS: Looking for commitment
MEANING: Knows what they are looking for with props for putting them self out there.
PROFILE READS: Where are all the good ones?
MEANING: “I’ve been at this a while and I’m frustrated.” This person is flawed in some way. They either don’t see how they don’t measure up OR they may, in fact, be holding others to too high a standard. Either way, they are striking out and venting.
PROFILE READS: No Drama!
MEANING: “I draw loonies.” This person may also just live for drama. Where there is none, they create it. A small percentage may have only come from a bad relationship and hoping in some way by insisting they don’t want more drama, that they’ll avoid it.
PROFILE READS: Accept me as I am
MEANING: “I’m stubborn”.
This person has a long road ahead to understand why they are still single
PROFILE READS: Confident, Independent man/woman
MEANING: If this is a woman. Run. She’s just told you she’s an uncompromising type A. If it’s a man. He wants you to think something he’s struggling to be.
PROFILE READS: Down to earth
MEANING: Probably is.
If that’s your type, you’ve got truth in packaging here.
PROFILE READS: Giving this a try
MEANING: Embarrassed to be using online dating. May not last long.
PROFILE READS: SEPARATED
MEANING: “I’m cheating on my husband.” (or wife)
Often but not all of these women are in fact married. Beware of the ones that run out the door to meet you at your car, insist on always meeting you etc… And think of it. Do you really want to be a rebound guy during separation? These souls need time if they are indeed separated.
There are countless headings with “Looking for…” These are people that have a laundry list of needs and may need too much to be satisfied. But in every case, the term “Looking for” indicates that among any other want or desire, something has caused that specific want to rise to the top of their list.
Now we covered the HEADINGS you see. What about the details of a profile? There are loads of clues. Let’s get to the positives before we cover the negatives. These are easy. Positive things just stand out.
A person worth dating isn’t making veiled comments about their past relationships. They are talking about the things they enjoy. Words are all you have in a profile and they represent you. A person that can’t spell has no excuse for not running a spell checker. Profiles should flow as if in conversation. Those that do show a person that is at ease with their life. Isn’t that want you want in your life?
Scams (Advice For Men)
Do I even need to touch this one? Can we be so daft? First, beware of photos that don’t look native. From backgrounds in a home to city streets and buildings clearly from Europe or Asia. These are generally followed up with a profile oozing of feminine values, yearning to please her man etc… Wink at one of these profiles at best. When they reply offering you their email right away, you know you got a Russian or African scammer. Reply and you are an idiot.
The Holdout (Advice For Men)
These women have real profiles and scream of the same things you are looking for with great photos and more. You and every guy wants to meet them. You can’t and won’t. They are holdouts. They want prince charming.
But don’t feel bad guys. Come back in a year and that same profile will be there. Even if it’s not, she’s still single. Perhaps on another dating site. Take solace in knowing that prince charming does exist but he isn’t looking for her. Prince charming already is charming and has money, hence charming and prince.
You, on the other hand, are just charming. Without the money, you are not prince charming. Look, women are attracted to power. The holdout is looking for a guy in uniform or with money.
Those are the two key factors in her search. It doesn’t matter how interesting or funny you are. You will not penetrate her armor of fraud. And honestly, do you think you could ever keep a woman like this happy? More importantly, would you be happy with a woman like this?
The Selfie Shot
Someone standing in front of the mirror holding their camera or camera phone above their head or out in front of their face to get the lighting just right and takes a selfie photo is so 2010.
Most of the time this is more telling than anyone can imagine. To take one these pictures tells a story. It could say that this person has no friends and no pictures of them-self. The cue here is if they have more photos almost just like it.
If they have a number of others doing things like at a family outing or interacting with friends, then the reason for the Facebook photo makes sense. They want you to have one close-up. Otherwise, think about this person a bit more as you look at that photo they took of their-own-self.
The Body Shot (Advice For Women)
OK, this reeks of insecurity and that any man taking a photo of himself standing in front of the mirror of his partially naked body to display his muscles has little to offer a woman in terms of conversation or intellect.
But yes, the most superficial of women may respond especially if this guy has listed as his job that he’s a police officer. This goes hand in hand with the picture with their car. The fact is I don’t even need to give advice here.
Any woman beyond middle school will see this for what it is. I suppose in some way I’d like to think some dumb ass guy that does this is reading this and learns from it. But let’s face it. These type of men are not reading articles like this. Ignorance is bliss.
The Once In A Lifetime Photo
This is the picture that most women have. But men could have one too. For years these photos were rare in a female profile. Now they are common. It could that one time the went bungee jumping or snorkeling.
It’s the one time in their life they were in a hot air balloon or jumped out of an airplane. You name it, it’s a one time photo and meant to give the impression to men that you are really out there living when in fact most weekends you spend in the garden or eating your dinner over the sink on a Friday night.
Again without other photos displaying a real life, there is so much more to read into pictures like this. The one word that comes to mind is ‘desperation’.
Kids & Pets
Anyone that has a picture of their pet in their profile is telling you they put a lot of their life into that pet. It means they don’t have a bond with a person and this is a serious source of emotional sustenance for them.
When they include two photos of their pet and few of them self they really don’t get it. I’ve seen in many cases women collecting more and more pets as they spend more time without a man.
Men imagine life with a woman like this and avoid them. If you are a woman reading this, consider it a warning. Find a hobby. Find a club. You are heading down a path that will separate you from men permanently.
Including photos of your children is also a no-no. It just is. People want to date you. Not your children. Profiles have a listing for having kids or not and that in itself tells anyone looking to date all there is to know. They have to decide to date you, yes or no based on that factor.
To throw your child in their face is really testing their resolve to date a single parent. Yes, your child or children are cute and great to be around. Let that person find out for themselves. Introducing your children along with you is a mistake.
There are always exceptions to rules. Everything you’ve read here is subject to exception.
Online Dating Can Be Fun… when you are not bored with the dysfunctional loonies…
So I on a dating site with live chat. I’m answering a wink from someone in Greenville Delaware. Not really. Who am I kidding it’s a Russian or South African scammer I’m sure.
I’m cynically playing along wondering why the hottest woman on the site is winking at me. I get another wink from someone else, again in my state, Delaware.
I decide to look at her profile and I get an IM (instant message) from here before I can even finish reading her profile.
Here’s the conversation. Remember I’ll play along with just about anyone for a laugh.
A Real Chat Conversation
10:31 – SOMEGIRL says: hello
10:31 – JUSTAGUY says: My my. You’re direct.
10:31 – JUSTAGUY says: Reading your profile now.
10:33 – SOMEGIRL says: liked your profile but I was hoping to have kids at
some point and I doesn’t sound like you are interested
in having more kids?
10:33 – JUSTAGUY says: What in my profile says that? 🙂
The right person, need not ask for anything.
10:34 – JUSTAGUY says: This conversation got off to a fast start. LOL
(HERE SHE DESCRIBES MY PROFILES CHECKLIST)
10:35 – SOMEGIRL says: want kids: NO ANSWER…
I know what I want so not going to sugar coat it
and if you’re not interested better to know now 🙂
10:36 – JUSTAGUY says: I think my answer didn’t fit the answers provided.
10:36 – JUSTAGUY says: Again if I love someone and she wants children,
it’s a done deal.
10:37 – SOMEGIRL says: the question is do YOU want more children?
10:37 – JUSTAGUY says: I have two children.
If I don’t find someone to love, then I’m happy.
10:37 – JUSTAGUY says: But If I find someone I care about
and she wants children, I will.
10:38 – JUSTAGUY says: Never had a conversation like this before.
I feel like I’m being grilled.
I didn’t even get to ask what your favorite color is.
10:40 – SOMEGIRL says: I understand that is a good answer and you are not
10:40 – JUSTAGUY says: Whew.
10:40 – JUSTAGUY says: So what the F is your favorite color?
10:40 – JUSTAGUY says: LOL
10:40 – SOMEGIRL says: My favorite color is purple
10:40 – JUSTAGUY says: OH…
10:40 – JUSTAGUY says: Well it will never work then.